Category Archives: Art of the Listen – Bench Talk

What you hear when you really listen is much richer than what you hear when you talk. Read some of Darla’s thoughts as she listens to other’s stories.

Art of the Listen - Bench Talk, True Derby

Falling Down

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(broken bench in France.  Photographer unknown, but obviously he or she got up!)

Yes, falling down is a good thing.

Ask any newbie skater in  “Fresh Meat” derby training.  The first thing you are taught is how to fall down.  And how to fall down correctly.  And how to get back up quickly without making a mess of everything and tripping everyone else in the process.

Oh, I can hear you now saying,” just keep from falling down!”

Or, second,” just stay out of roller derby”, you may be thinking.

But, as it is said on every derby track across the world, derby is a  metaphor for life.  And you WILL fall down in the process of life.  In business, in love, in parenting, in…well just in everything.

So, best to be ready.  Take some tips from the girls on the track.

GET PROTECTIVE GEAR.  In derby that is knee pads, elbow pads, wrist bands., a helmet.  In life it may be a circle of friends, good investment advice, some research, a good book to read on a lonely night, a little in savings, a faith in something bigger than yourself.

DON’T FALL BACKWARDS.  Keep moving forward.  it’s easier to use your arms and legs to get up if you are not flat on your butt.  And also easier to break something really important (like your back or your tailbone) if you are hanging back.  Easier to recover in life if you are looking forward.

FALL SMALL.  This, my dear reader, is the most important.  If you know you are going down, get ready.  Knees, elbows, wrists (all padded) in a tight ball, and presto…you’re back up in no time.  And you haven’t tripped up everyone around you or pulled them down with you.

And my favorite, THE BEST TIME TO START THINKING ABOUT GETTING UP IS WHEN YOU ARE HEADED DOWN.

In the meantime, Skate On!

Darla

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Art of the Listen - Bench Talk, Scabs and Other Body Parts

UTI-the Utterly Terrible Insult

My dear reader,

There is one conversation that rarely comes up on my benches.  But once it does, I will tell you the subject will be discussed in minute detail and usually accompanied with grotesque facial expressions.

It has to do with the Utterly Terrible Insult, or UTI in medical shorthand.  You may look it up if you don’t know immediately of what I speak.   If you are one of my female followers, you will need no reference resource.  If you are one of my dear male readers and are perplexed, start by researching the acronym, because it is not necessarily gender specific.

Or ask your favorite female.

Oh my, it is quite the conversation starter!

I consider myself,  in general, to be quite the Warrior Woman.  Many spills, bruises and breaks along the way, from which I emerged unshaken.   But the UTI has the unique capacity to bring any woman, or unfortunate man, to one’s knees, pleading forgiveness for some unknown infraction that brought this Insult.  It may indeed be responsible for the phrase, “give me liberty or give me death”.

I best describe this insult as close quarters with knives.  Oh yes, I see a few heads nodding in agreement.

There are natural responses to the Insult, if one wishes to grit one’s teeth before entering the ladies room, where it is recommended you go frequently.  But, generally, it makes one crawl to the waiting room of the closest medical clinic where you must undergo a long list of questions before you get the blessed relief.

Questions like:

“How would you describe the pain from 1 to 10?”

Answer:  “49”

“Are you sexually active?”

Answer:  “ Compared to what?  Rabbits?  Teenagers?  Celibate priests?”

“Are you now or were you ever a smoker?”

Answer:  “When I was a teenager.”

“How long ago was that?”

Answer:  “Really?  Did you not see my Medicare card?  Please give me the pills.”

After each conversation about the Insult, I wonder, who came up with the UTI.   Someone must have had a fierce sense of humor to invent this one.

Nonetheless, if you can’t find anything else to talk about with someone, try the UTI.   It will get things going.

Skate On!

Darla

(Someone please save this beat up bench on the bus stop corner down the road!)

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Art of the Listen - Bench Talk, Political Muck and Such

Hiding Behind a Hashtag

One thing about having a bench chat with someone…

You can’t hide behind a hashtag.

You are expected to have a conversation.  You can’t just hold up a sign, or point to your gimme cap, or utter a couple of slogans or hashtag phrases and sit complacently with your arms folded, knowing you have been heard.

You have to actually talk about something, and preferably something you know about. Your experience. How you fit into the whole fabric of the conversation.  How you feel about it.  And what you think should or could happen.

Because to squeeze that unique mind of yours behind a phrase, a color, a flag, a candidate…well, frankly my dear,  it turns you into a cutout doll.

Blame the mainstream media, the social media, the advertisers, the campaign designers.  It’s in their job description.

But ultimately, it’s your job to break out and have a conversation.

And once you start talking, all those lines in the sand begin to blur.   The blue wavers get to know the surfer dudes out riding a blue wave.  People on their knees praying learn more about people on their knees protesting.  The me’s get to know the what-about-me’s.

And tattoos cross all imaginary boundaries.   Just ask a skater girl.

So give it a try. Have a conversation with someone you don’t know who doesn’t carry your sign.

Get out in front of the hashtag, the candidate colors, the way-too-easy-conclusions.  Just talk.

And with that, I’m off again…

SKATE ON!

Darla

(Bench photo from the Amtrak station in Minot, North Dakota)

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Art of the Listen - Bench Talk

A Wing and a Prayer

I hear it all the time and I’m sure you do also.   “I’ll pray for you”.  “You are in my prayers”,  or just “prayers” that something turns out the way someone thinks it should.

While these are always welcome gestures, these prayers, I often wonder.  Will someone actually sit down and pray?  Is this another way of saying “With you, girl”?  Or, as I do sometimes suspect, does it make the offerer feel better that they have made a difference or can affect an outcome when perhaps they can not?

Or maybe all the above, and more?

People come into my space and say we will pray a certain way.  I go into their space and they say we will pray a certain way.  Some say they are praying that a certain thing happen a certain way.  Some say they just are praying.

Some just nod, saying nothing.  Is this a prayer of sorts?

Some prayers are done with eyes closed and hands clasped and archaic phrases.  Some are delivered five times a day on one’s knees with forehead touching the floor.

I’m thinking these prayers come in as many sizes and colors and personalities as derby rollers.  Some are deliberate and strong, a full-throated demand sent hurling into the ethers.  Some come in little, wispy emojis at the end of a social media post, slipping sweetly by in the midst of more bold statements.  Some are a team activity.  Some are solitary.

I’m not convinced anyone has an inside track.

Some have loud, colorful phrasing.  Some appear to be no more than a gentle doze.

This business of praying is worth some good bench talk and not to be taken for granted or given in passing.

Not that I happen to know, and people rarely ask me my thoughts about it, but perhaps what matters is not the color or size or wording of these thoughts.  What matters is that the ones with true intent are the ones that take wing, rising above the mishmash of other words to hit a target.

SKATE ON!

Darla

(Thanks to Mary for this photo of a church bench below the bell pull  in Mykonos, Athens)

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Art of the Listen - Bench Talk

Word Count Words Count

Oh, how social media has changed the world!

The truncated sentences, the abbreviated words, the absolute disregard for punctuation– because, really, who wants to use up their prized allotment of characters with words that are spelled correctly?

Things have changed now that we have to count words or make sure the best ones appear above the “Read More” line.

Continue reading Word Count Words Count →